How To Forgive When Betrayed By A Loved One

just in time for Valentine's Day...

got this from a mailing list... sets me thinking about the past... i'm single on Valentine's Day... but i think i'm feeling okay... or am i not?

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For www.TheDailyEnlightenment.com
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How To Forgive When Betrayed By A Loved One

True love encompasses true forgiveness - of the smallest hurt to the greatest betrayal. It always forgives because it always cares, and because bearing resentment (the opposite of love) hurts both parties instead. Most of us are in the process of learning to love and forgive perfectly; few of us can love and forgive anyone instantly. Not yet masters of forgiveness, it is natural to fluctuate between love and hate at times. Finding it hard to forgive does not always means one is unwilling to forgive. If you are struggling, chances are that you seriously want to forgive - that is already love in action to some extent. What needs to be done is to further extend the love and forgiveness.

It is inevitable that a relationship is badly shaken when there is betrayal. But if your partner is sincerely repentant, it would be fair to be equally sincere in accepting any apology. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. What is important is that we learn and grow from them. Not learning from our mistakes would be the real mistake - this is especially important to the "betrayer", so as to not further jeopardise the relationship. As a couple, mutual sincerity during recovery from betrayal is especially crucial - since sincerity or the lack of it further strengthens or weakens the relationship.

If you both feel that your "tested" relationship is worth maintaining, just do it without regret or anger. If you are unsure, regret and anger might pop up time and again, further testing and weakening the already shaken love and trust. If you feel that the relationship has lost its meaningfulness, it is good to part on good terms - with no need to look back in anger - just see it as a precious life experience. It is afterall more noble to love truly than to be truly loved, more wise to be blameless than to blame, more kind to be true than untrue to others.

It is useful to remember this - "Feeling anger punishes both yourself and your partner. It is senseless to punish each other indefinitely." Tell yourself gently but firmly that it is high time you stop punishing each other. Tell it to yourself and your partner sincerely to express this resolution, and do your best to live up to it. Ask him or her to help you in whatever ways s/he can. A relationship is afterall the responsibility of both parties. When there are relapses of anger, just express your resolution again - it helps to formalise and actualise your determination to forgive and forget, and to get on with living and loving. No need to be angry at yourself for being repeatedly angry - for this only feeds the demon of anger repeatedly. Just be mindful of anger when it arises and let it go as instantly as you would drop painful hot coals. One day, you will find the need to forgive no longer there, that you have truly let go of the pain.

Any pain we have for having been hurt in the past is actually a "phantom pain" - illusory mental anguish which is only as painful as your unmindful clinging and prolonging of it. Such pain is sustained by a conflicting mix of attachment (to having been hurt) and aversion (to the hurt). The past has already passed. If we do not let the unhappy past go, it will not let us go - it will only make our present moment always unhappy. There is a simple but wonderful teaching from the Buddha on forgiveness - "You too shall pass away. Knowing this, how can you quarrel (have conflict with others, or within oneself)?" Life is too short to live in self-sustained phantom pain.

One of the most important things to know in life is that no one withholds any happiness from us - not even our most loved ones. Our happiness is our charge. While we often place our happiness in the charge of others, it is us who voluntarily do that - and we can take this responsibility back to own it. Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you truly happy - or sad. Only when we mindfully see and take up this personal responsibility, can we truly love - both ourselves and others.

- Shen Shi'an